Their blank ambulance faces were silent.
The jazz was hot, but their feet were burnt.
Oh Chicago, the city lights are fading.
The piano shuddered like death warmed up.
All they want, is a little whiskey.
And they demand, they demand endlessly.
The flapper drowned in her feathers.
Alleyways are more thrilling at night.
Honestly, it was a lovely emergency.
The concrete vibrates underfoot.
There is still a song in me.
I feel it rising like vomit.















Devious Comments
Comments
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The world is deep--and more profound than day would have thought.
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this account is closing soon all new postings will be at *thatIam
Their blank ambulance faces were silent.
-- (I think the removal of "blank" would be an improvement here. "ambulance faces" is so much more striking without that modifier weakening it.)
All they want, is a little whiskey.
-- (The comma after 'want' shouldn't be there.)
And they demand, they demand endlessly.
-- (I think "And" could be removed to take away the feeling that this is not a seperate sentence and therefore spoiling the overall structure a bit.))
Other than those few minor things, I think this is marvellous. Well done.
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<salshep> <ordie>I should wite something awsome
<salshep> It's true
<ordie> You're write. That's my one-size-fits-all reort.
#Cabal. Because someone needs to be.
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